Movements in Grief
Recently I've been trying to find ways to manage my grief that are a little more sporadic. Some days I give myself no schedule, nothing much to do. Others I wake up and mentally plan out a schedule. Some days are a mixed variety of plans and lack thereof, but it kind of feels nice to almost trick the grief that just marches on in my mind. For me, it's comparable to shadows out of the corner of your eye, always standing just out of sight, yet not far enough. I had a conversation recently that has left me grappling with the concept of this lifelong weight that must be carried, how do you keep moving? It seems pretty straight forward, just keep on going right? But how do you keep pushing through constant reminders of the harm you have encountered in your life? I've been told to let the pain drive me to better places, to wear it on my sleeve. I've also been told to saddle it, to keep it quiet until everyone's left the room, only taking it out when I alone will have to bear it. That is not advice I've paid much heed to.
Regardless, everyone has an expectation of you carrying on in a certain way. But eventually, as time passes, people forget. And with that, they expect you to forget as well. There have been a few instances that have shown as much. You still think about that? Didn't that happen years ago? I get it's hard, but you need to try and get over it! It hurts to hear obviously, but more than that it is an expectation of linear healing. I'm not here to talk about non-linear healing, it's such a simple idea. I believe that to apply logic to human emotion is in all ways a fools errand. There's no accounting for what you should feel in situations where so many emotions are pouring through your mind.
When I was eighteen years old, my older brother committed suicide. He was twenty. Now, at twenty-two, there are days when it feels like a distant memory. Like how could I remember something that happened so long ago? Or it feels like I'm still in that hospital room, hoping and even praying there's a way to come back. It was recent, only four years have passed, but so much has changed. In moving with grief, I have learned so much about myself and I am grateful for that. I feel as though I've learned how to grieve in a way that works well for me. I'm not here to present a guide to grief, what do I know? But I know what works for me, and that's just because I've spent lots of time doing it.
Some days, especially lately, I sit and think about up and running away from it all again. Just to walk out my door and go somewhere I've never been before. But if all you do is leave you'll never get anywhere. Every time you run from emotions, you cut your roots. Starting over again and again and again keeps your emotions fresh, you're too distracted to deal with them. But, I have roots that run deep now. Living in a city I love with beautiful friends all around makes grieving so much easier than it was just a year ago. I do not distract myself from the pain, if I feel it I sit with it, let it run its course. So to give myself these changing daily schedules is really helpful. It feels as though it's in tandem with the uncertainty of life. Time will pass and things will change, they'll be better and they'll be worse. But through it all I will be learning and I will be moving.